Oh Jesus, you show me how work is important. CCC899 to permeate the world with the Gospel. How do I do this when I have isolated myself? There is so many ways to you, what was the one you wanted for me? I discerned whether to work or not but how much of that was my desire to have less busyness, more time to sit, contemplate, learn, just be with you. Yet I let go of what that busyness was about. These are thoughts now that go nowhere. I am more than a year down the road from having left my job, financial security and the friendship of coworkers. Yet I did open the door for another who may have been in greater need for that position. This is a habit of mine, to keep going back and looking at my choices, deeming them poor. So once again, I need to review with you my motives.
It wasn’t money because I gave that up. It wasn’t that it was too hard, I felt completely capable. It wasn’t that I didn’t get along with people. I loved everyone who I worked with, who came into the doors and needed help. I was taking classes, teaching the children, caring for mom, the grandkids and wanting some down time. Work seemed like the place to cut. Yes I took it to you in prayer. I kept placing it before you. But had I already made up my mind? I read today about how important work is…. and it is in work that your Gospel message is spread. Peter left his work to take on a totally new work in bringing people to you. Perhaps you are showing me my work hasn’t ended, it has just taken up a different look. He had no clue what to say or do, he was a fisherman. But he loved you. You helped him to see how great his love was for you. How much you saw in his soul. You see in me my truest desire. You see my heart yearning to be one with yours, to bring all my family and friends to know you. I have not succeeded here. I have often fallen away, held back, been quiet. Much like Peter at the fire while they took you away. I cannot believe and stay afraid. I don’t want to lose their love, but I want all of yours.
As I listened to the many reflections this morning and then got distracted by my phone, I realize just how much you are asking of me to follow you with my whole heart and soul. Not only that, but to also trust you. Yes I may make others uncomfortable. I may be ridiculed, put out, distanced from those I love. But your spirit Lord, the Holy Spirit which will come soon, will strengthen me with all that is of you. You will not lead me where I will fail, I am the only one to do that. Your spirit in me can enlighten and enliven these seven gifts of wisdom, understanding, fortitude, knowledge, counsel, piety, fear of God. Lead me to be your leader, to seek you in my heart, a heart that desires to be pleasing, a servants heart that does not seek it’s own will. Open my eyes to see you, my ears to hear you, my mouth to share you, my hands to bring others to you and my feet to never stop walking towards you.