Still Seeking

Fortitude, wisdom, strength, courage, love, understanding, piety, counsel, prudence, patience Oh sweet Jesus so many words in which to strengthen my day in this crazy upside world. These days of leading up to coming of your Holy Spirit, these days of waiting, wanting, desiring you in the fullness of your Spirit, I can hardly stand them. Yesterday we remembered the day you left this world to take up the place of honor next to your Father. You loved us so much this love became a person and will live within me, guiding me and showing me the path to you as my eternal homeland.

What does it mean to seek you with my whole heart? I think of you often in my day and then I don’t – and am sorry for those missed times. As I sit here and pray the birds are loud and talkative. You are here. Each has a different message – high, low, fast, slow. Flying here, there, flitting towards each other or away. Their voices echo with busyness, yet later the skies will fall silent as they settle in for storms ahead. You are there. I also see your greatness in the littleness of my great-grandchildren. Xiomara who is almost two years old having the delight of laughter and tears, of giving and taking, of purity in knowing when she just needs to be held close. Evaristo who is four in his need for me to always have that eye contact – Mema are you watching, or have you become distracted, I need you to see me his eyes tell me. He is needy, he is so busy, so far into the next thought he can hardly get through the present one. Anaisabela, seven going on fifteen in her desire to be seen as set apart in wanting to be approved, accepted, liked; her knowledge expanding faster than her maturity and she is torn between the worlds of her younger siblings and wanting to be grown up. I can learn so much in just watching the interactions of these children; their responses to the directives of their mother and father; how I play into the scene and what I can give them that is outside their parents but just as important. You will always be there.

Come holy spirit come. I know you know everything. Before, during and after it occurs. I know you want to guide me but I have this stubbornness in me to want to be lazy, half-hazard or even over the top. I have trouble taking orders or directives without adding my own two cents into the mix. Yes you told us in the world we will have trouble. Between my selfishness and that of others, people or things are placed above or in front of you. Forgive me Father, and give me the light of truth always, so that I may be pleasing to you in all that I do, in right order. Thank you for loving me in all my seasons, help me to always see you and know you are in me, alive and guiding every moment of my life. I adore and I praise you Lord, for by your holy cross you have set me free.

About Cathy Trowbridge

A faith-led people-person, daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, great- grandmother and friend, I am a Catholic Christian striving to union with our Lord. I hope to bring you encouragement to live a closer relationship with Christ, discerning direction in the path to Him, with Him and in Him.
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