What is the will of my Father? To give life everlasting? To raise us up on the last day? To continue to teach us the way to love him and our neighbor until he calls us to our eternal home? For over thirty days I have been writing in this blog to my heavenly Father or his Son, Jesus Christ. Sharing my thoughts, conversations and scripture have been a joy. But it’s also been safe. I’m not sure why I’m not sharing it more, but I also have faith God will push me when and if he’s ready for me to do that. The amount of blogs and articles available to read could go to the moon and back I think. Yes, we are a people of many words. Christ talks specifically about this in today’s gospel.

Matthew 7:21-29. ²¹ “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. ²² Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ ²³ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ ²⁴ “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶ But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”²⁸ When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, ²⁹ because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.

I’ve had a plan of prayer that I use daily consisting of various prayers, readings and reflections. I will jot some things down during my reading/praying and finish with sitting quietly with our Lord. Often then I’ll write here or in my journal. It’s not a checkbox type list …. but maybe. Thinking it would give me structure, it has helped me to form a habit of always starting my day in prayer. Last week the plan was challenged. I was asked to just read certain scripture and sit before the Lord. I was to write very little if at all. This threw me off and frazzled me. What was my fear/frazzling about? This is what I should have asked myself. Another good question would have been where was it coming from? After several days of struggling with it, I had a hole in my prayer foundation where the evil one came in and told me how much I was failing, inept, wrong and I froze. The change in my peace with prayer was fast, anxiety filled and clearly blocking me. Buffeting the blows I laid in my bed holding a small crucifix and renounced evil, claiming myself as a child of the most high God. Staying only with that thought I fell asleep.

In the morning it was confusing as to what happened. I have learned much about the Spiritual Exercises and Discernment of Spirits. I should have seen it coming, recognized it for what it was and taken some form of action to let it pass. Instead it froze me. But what I learned from it was very valuable. For I recognized – now – that the Lord did not leave me but allowed me to experience this for a greater good. It could have been that my prayer “structure” had become my prayer, instead of being still and knowing God. As in the scripture above, had my words just become part of what I did and therefore did not allow God to come to my heart and just receive from him? Yes it was good, but it was from and about me. Jesus showed me how it’s not about me grasping this or that but him pouring grace into me and my receptivity towards this grace.

I need to hear his words and be still before God. To listen. To receive. To write, yes, but after, after he has worked in my heart all he wants to do. He asks, remain here with me. Watch and pray. Help me dear Jesus to be docile, obedient and your simple, vulnerable child sitting at your feet. Help me to pray as you would like me to. Let it begin, and end, in you. I want to be amazed at your teachings always, for your authority is my heart’s desire.