As I sat in church this weekend and heard our Pastor speak about the 50th anniversary of the famous Roe versus Wade landmark case that made abortion legal in all states, an opposite feeling I suppose of many came over me – a great peace. I reflected back to when I first heard the message of forgiveness and an invitation to come out of the darkness of sin. Didn’t see it coming as the darkness was a comfort – I learned to hide my regret very well and no one knew my secret past. But like this weekend, in 2005 another Pastor broke open the truth of healing from abortion.
Both these holy men of God took on Christ’s healing heart to offer the truth to their flock; each offered hope through healing and reconciliation. Christ didn’t want me to flee from him – no sin is greater than his mercy. I didn’t know that was possible. Praise God for these Pastors across the globe who are not afraid to say the words that seem uncomfortable – so many lost parents need to hear that forgiveness is available, and release from the bonds of poor counsel, great fear and a lifetime of regret and shame can happen.
My sweet child Mary Elizabeth, the name I gave my aborted child at a healing retreat in 2006, has been with me in a very special way since my acknowledgement of her life. How I wish I had not been so weak as to listen to the evil of abortion. She would be 47 this year – would have been born near Mother’s Day. She would have given me so very much a different life. But as I read and hear Psalm 139, I realize God knew for whatever reason that evil would affect my ability to understand and interpret right from wrong. He knew her days would be counted only a few, but the impact on both of us would span many – hers in heaven and mine on earth. Can I say O happy fault as St. Paul did? It is hard. Christ told me His grace is sufficient for me, yet the memories are there. I make a determined effort to push them back to the past and stay in the present moment.
Father in heaven, your ways are far above my ways. I crawl to you with wonder and awe of your majesty, your great love for sinners like me who fall to my faults and past instead of remembering you already know all my days, you chose me, and I am yours. My dear Mary Elizabeth, you were given life here in my womb for a very specific purpose. You died a martyr’s death for me. I have cried an ocean of tears but cannot change what happened. You gave your all and I’m sorry I did not recognize you for so many years. I do today and I know so many are much more aware of the truth. Evil will not win; we know God is victorious.
My prayer today is that my heart be ever joined with my daughters in speaking up and not hiding from my mistake, but to recognize that neither she nor I are a mistake. Our Father does not make mistakes. Our days are created and given to us as written in Psalm 139.
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You beset me behind and before and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Let only darkness cover me, and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you, the night is bright as the day;
for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am wondrously made.
Wonderful are your works!
You know me right well; my frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret, intricately wrought in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes beheld my unformed substance; in your book were written,
every one of them, the days that were formed for me when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.”