Easter Monday Gratitude

Father in Heaven,

When your strength takes possession of me, I no longer say “Why are you cast down my soul?”

I feel the healing calm of your forgiveness; I give praise and gratitude for the gift of your only begotten Son.

Inspire me to yearn for you always, like the deer that yearns for running streams, until you satisfy every longing in heaven.

My dear risen Jesus,

You are with the Father now, as it should be. The price is paid, the gift given. It is now for me to claim my place with you.

Help me to be ever focused … to bring your love into all that I do, honoring you with my life on this earth, pleasing you all my days.

Let me walk and talk with you daily, to have you enter my mind, heart, body and soul.

I am yours – a lump of clay – mold me into what you deemed from my beginnings, when you knit me in my mother’s womb.

i will praise you all the days of my life. For I am yours and you are mine. Alleluia, Alleluia.

Photo by: Public Domain. File: Albrecht Dürer – Adoration of the Trinity (Landauer Altar) –
Google Art Project.jpg. Created 1511

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And so it begins…

I imagine bells ringing in heaven as all the Saint and Angels watched from above a flurry of white chasubles entering sanctuaries all over earth. Since Monday there have been Chrism masses and I for one saw and was grateful for all the holy priests who are serving our Lord and his people. It is truly a joy to see them give their Fiat in this beautiful mass.

I imagine the dark influencer thought he won today on Spy Wednesday, when Judas Iscariots intent to betray Jesus, formed on Holy Wednesday, the day sometimes called “Spy Wednesday.” The word spy, as used in the term, means “ambush, ambuscade, snare”. Additionally, among the disciples, Judas clandestinely was a spy and Wednesday was the day he chose to betray Christ. Yet we embrace the cross knowing Jesus was triumphant and did what he said he would do, opening the gates of heaven for our us to be with the Father.

I imagine many have no idea what the Triduum is and that Catholics hold these days as very important. The Triduum, beginning Thursday, secures the end of Lent and marks the three high holiest days in the church. I wrote about it back 10 years ago… which is pretty awesome to think about… click here to read about these special days.

A very blessed and happy, holy Triduum and Easter to all of you. Thank you for journeying with me in growing closer to Christ!

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Walking with Mary to the Cross Series-12

12 – Mary walks with us and our crossesMary, meek and tender of heart

Love consists in a mutual sharing of goods, for example, the lover gives and shares with the beloved what he possesses, or something of that which he has or is able to give; and vice versa, the beloved shares with the lover. Hence, if one has knowledge, he shares it with the one who does not possess it; and so also if one has honors, or riches. Thus, one always gives to the other. (Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius Loyola, #231)

Love is the cross of Christ. It is the ultimate sharing of love to mankind – the son’s life for ours, given to the Father in expiation for sin. True gift.

Christ shared the love he had for his mother with us at the cross. Each of us now have the opportunity to share this love with another; physically mentally, spiritually and emotionally. We cannot not share it – we are relational beings who observe, react and respond to what we see, hear, feel, touch or know in our hearts.

But do we always do this in charity and grace, with meekness and a tender heart? Likely the answer is no. We fall short. We are weak, selfish, self-righteous, narcissistic, manipulative, angry, frustrated, disappointed and a lot more I haven’t listed. Yet we are also loving, giving, strong, God fearing, charitable, ordered, joyful, optimistic and at peace. How can we be both?

By accepting our crosses – sharing what we possess and receiving back love … this is the beauty and ugliness of the cross that God has allowed us to carry – for the salvation of all mankind.

Mary did not walk to the cross without carrying one. She stood in the breach when others couldn’t. She carried one for each of his apostles who weren’t there – she pushed on when they fled – she stood for three long hours as Jesus’ life poured out of him. She carried it for the high priests who were supposed to recognize scripture and everything Jesus taught – but denied and condemned her innocent son to death. She carried it for all those who hailed him as messiah as he came into Jerusalem on the donkey, yet spat on him as he walked to Calvary.

She carries it for you and me in our failings – in the difficulties we have in our roles of family member, friend, neighbor. These difficulties are real that we carry; perhaps found on the outside in how we interact with others or buried deep within our hearts; likely hidden away from where we have to do something with it.

As Mary carries the cross behind her son, she shows us who we are supposed to be. She showed patience when the Romans would not allow her to come close, yet we become frustrated because we are inconvenienced. She stayed in peace when Joseph of Arimethea and Nicodemus untied the knots of confusion as to where to place Jesus’ body, yet we despair because we have lost control over health, jobs or an injustice. “Offer it up” mom used to say. Oh how we hated to hear that. It meant get over yourself.

The lover gives and shares with the beloved what he possesses, or something of that which he has or is able to give; and vice versa, the beloved shares with the lover. Mary offered up her grief and sorrow as she followed her beloved Son to the cross. She did this because by her fiat she was able to give what she received – the grace and blessing of the Father, who entrusted her with his plan of salvation as the new Eve.

Returning to Mary all our anguish, anxieties, frustrations, confusion, lack of faith, trust and charity blesses her. She knows how to bring it to the Father through her son’s suffering and death. She is our intercessor and will give us and share what we need by the grace she was given. Jesus gave this to her through John, and she gives to us.

My only desire and my one choice should be;

I want and I need what better leads me –

to a deepening of God’s life in me.

Principal and Foundation of St. Ignatius of Loyola

Hence, if one has knowledge, he shares it with the one who does not possess it… In the Principle and Foundation of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, we find the truth that was the bedrock for all of St. Ignatius’ teachings. I mentioned it once before in another post (click here) but I want to bring it back for this last post (stated in my words).

Mary heard and received from the Angel at her Annunciation the knowledge – true facts of what her life was going to be like. Now in heaven she is the Mediatrix of grace – her fiat lived out for you and me to the upmost degree in helping us to live as her son taught – to prepare for our heavenly home and to bring with us as many as we can by our witness to the truth. She calls us to reflect the image of God perhaps in this call to evangelization. Yes, its a challenge – and we are quick to say we’d rather not – can’t I just go to church and pray and then go home? We’d rather write the check than do the work – although the check is needed as well. We’d rather say I’m already doing this or that. We know what is in front of us hasn’t gone away either. But the call of knowledge provides the opportunity to share with those who do not possess it…. and giving it away is a blessing back to the one who shares.

The last part – if one has honors or riches shouldn’t be lost or downplayed. Almsgiving is needed today as much as ever. Even the three kings brought gifts that could be exchanged for real money to help pay for the expenses the holy family needed to cover. Every time we pray the rosary we honor Mary and she honors us with her blessing – every dollar we give to another we are blessed with more back. Honor recognizes the gifts and talents of each of us – in whatever gift given by the holy spirit; we are called to live it to the full and help others to use their gifts as well. Providing for those in need – our own standing in the breach for others – doing the corporal works of mercy – this is stretching towards the challenge Ignatius presents.

So as we end this series of walking with Mary to the cross, we turn and embrace love within the cross – sometimes hidden from view – yes it is hard to look at Jesus’ mutilated body stretched and bleeding – but we acknowledge sin is ugly and you can’t have Easter Sunday without Good Friday.

Look deeper – what he gave up for you and me. Sometimes it easy to look at the cross and say Jesus, I need you. You did it and I can’t. We recognize our weakness and absolute need to receive his strength through the Eucharist to find peace within our hearts. Remember we say “O happy fault” at the Easter vigil. Life is tough and carrying a cross is hard. But we are not alone.

Mary is the authority with great honor and riches of heaven and is here to help us carry our cross. The question is, will you let her? Will you receive her help? Will you ask? She points to her immaculate heart. She faithfully waits for your fiat. She wants to help you pick up your cross and unite it to her sons. She’ll be there as she was for him.

Photo credits: Public Domain: San Damiano cross, EWTN and Author’s photo

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Walking with Mary to the Cross Series-11

11 – Mary holds her son taken down from the cross – Mary, mighty warrior

Words do not help us in a time of death; they seem to be foreign in our offering of consolation or sympathy. Mary would have received Jesus’ body into her arms with such angst – ‘what have they done to him’ her heart would echo. His body torn and twisted, bloody and beat up no longer resonated and throbbed with pain; it lay lifeless, worn out, used up. She would have no words but likely tears; any mother holding a lifeless son would have many tears. It is hard to realize she was prepared for this – so long ago knowing the day would come – yet no comfort could be seen.

We all have deaths of loved ones we can recall – family, friends, neighbors, colleagues. This morning at Mass our Priest announced the death of a man, George, who would sit in front of me at daily Mass. He was there last Friday – all week he sat in front of me. On Sunday he was killed in an auto accident. One thing stood out about him for many of us. When we would offer our prayer intentions, he would say very loudly “FOR THE POOR SOULS IN PURGATORY.” Father told us he started saying that after his wife died 14 years ago. I wonder how many of those souls were there to greet George as he left this world. I can’t imagine anything less than a grand scale reception from all he prayed for. And he will be ever remembered in my prayers as well.

Joseph, Nicodemus, Mary Magdalene the disciple John and likely other followers were there to help receive Jesus’ body. They carefully took off the crown of thorns; they wrapped his arms in bands to lower him into Mary’s lap. They would see the wounds that came from his side in which his divine mercy would flow. They knew this was the Lord – son of the most high God. They knew he was the fulfillment of Scripture. Their hearts were full of love yet were broken. Every year we go into the Lord’s passion with our hearts broken by our sinfulness. We remember the details on Palm Sunday as we read how he was condemned and dies. We walk the stations of the cross to remind us how hard it was to walk to Calvary – for him to take on our sins so that we could be reunited with the Father. Are we grateful? Do we realize the caliber of what he has done for us? Likely not. It is huge to take in and we are so weak.

I hear people say, it’s been a good lent/ it’s been a weird/bad lent. The question I pose is, did this Lent make you sit up and take notice of something within yourself that our Lord brings to your attention? How did it affect your habits of spending, eating, exercising, thinking, doing? Taking things off your plate or adding them to it for six weeks makes a difference. Today’s Gospel struck me “He said to them, “You belong to what is below, I belong to what is above. You belong to this world, but I do not belong to this world. That is why I told you that you will die in your sins. For if you do not believe that I AM, you will die in your sins.” No matter what we gave up, did extra or let go of, if we do not believe in Jesus as the son of God who came to save us, it was all in vain and we will have no life in heaven. There will be no free passes. His coming was for a specific purpose – his death was for us to know how real it was … and is. There was no mediocrity in his time on earth. Which is why you can’t just accept Jesus, we can’t be lukewarm; we have to be ready without a doubt and desire for everyone else to be as well.

As our sorrowful Mother holds her son, I think no longer of her as sorrowful but more mighty. Mighty and strong while holding her son, knowing he will come again and now things will be different. They will not do to him any more harm – he will only bring them the power and grace needed to continue his work. George is gone, but we remember to pray for the poor souls in purgatory – and we will think of George as well. George prepared to go – recognizing we don’t know when we will be called – or how – but that God’s plan is to bring us home to him at some point. He brought his son home and placed that beaconing in our hearts too. Will you be ready when he calls you home? Isn’t that what lent was about – preparing for the great celebration?

Photos Credit: Public domain
File: Stylianos Stavrakis Descent from the Cross.png. Created: between 1729 and 1786 and
original file by Stanislav Traykov – File:Michelangelo’s Pieta 5450 cropncleaned edit-2.jpg

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Walking with Mary to the Cross Series-10

10 – Mary at the crucifixion of her beloved Son – Mary, our Sorrowful Mother

From noon on, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon.  And about three o’clock Jesus cried with a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” When some of the bystanders heard it, they said, “This man is calling for Elijah.” At once one of them ran and got a sponge, filled it with sour wine, put it on a stick, and gave it to him to drink. But the others said, “Wait, let us see whether Elijah will come to save him.” Then Jesus cried again with a loud voice and breathed his last. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook, and the rocks were split. The tombs also were opened, and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised. After his resurrection they came out of the tombs and entered the holy city and appeared to many.  Now when the centurion and those with him, who were keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were terrified and said, “Truly this man was God’s Son!”

As I wind down to the last posts in this series, I struggle to not take away from the importance of events in Mary’s life with her son, nor repeat myself. I pause in my thoughts to be with her at the foot of the cross, witnessing, watching; with sorrow pulsing through her broken heart that was pierced so long ago, now coming fully to completion. She knew the truth – that he who knew no sin, innocent beyond a doubt; was taking on the sins of all mankind as he died on the cross. It is a lot for all of us to ponder this moment with great awe and gratitude.

My dad’s walk to death was one of speed – his fall in health began in October with a pacemaker, to not recovering well through November, to a confirmed stage 4 lung cancer at the end of January. We had less than a month before he would pass on February 22. He was the opposite of Mary – he kept fighting it and denying what was happening. He had fear – but I think it was more for us than for himself. He wasn’t ready. He still felt responsible to care for his family and yet could not change what was happening to his body. We had our Pastor over to speak with him but he didn’t know him well – mom and dad had just moved across country to live with us 6 months before all this.

Mary too might have had a little fear with jesus’ impending death – perhaps only though of the Romans, wondering just how far they would go to torture her son before they lifted him to hang and die. She wouldn’t have feared Jesus’ death because she knew it had to happen in a profound way. And I know in the hearts of many others who have watched the rapid death of a loved one, the loss of control and inability to change or fix them, creates an anxious fear that stabs their sorrowful hearts in a way a long illness doesn’t. Long illness before death begins a mourning process. Mary might have experienced this type of sorrow with Joseph. But with Jesus, things moved so quickly.

Holding her son like a baby once more as they brought him down from the cross, cuddling his long limbs that were bloodied and bruised, she could only image his glorious reunion in heaven with the Father. She would know that the fulfillment of prophesy had occurred and now she too had a role to play in salvation history as the mother of all disciples. Yet her heart – that sacred, immaculate heart, would miss this beautiful child of hers all the rest of her days. How could her sorrow and joy intersect? I can only imagine it was in the trust that God the Father placed in her heart way back at the Annunciation so that she could receive only peace and great faithfulness.

The night my dad died he kept trying to sit up in bed and get out of it. We knew he was trying to run but his body would only crumble if he left the bed. I remember so well telling him how it was alright to leave – that we would take care of mom and each other. His parents and sister would be waiting for him with Jesus and that he should take his hand and just go. He heard me – because when he gave in and fell back to the pillow, it was if he finally accepted what was before him and never fought again. It was his dads birthday and I talked about the grand party that would be held; he would be the special guest of honor. I pray it happened that way – I really have no doubt otherwise.

Mary would likely be saying things like that to John and Mary Magdalene as they brought Jesus’ body down from the cross. She would remind them of the things that he said would happen and not to lose hope or trust in the Father. We had to remind mom when she asked where dad was, that he was preparing a place for her but it wasn’t time yet to go. In her dementia, some days she could accept it, and you could almost see her thinking of how that would work. Like my mom, Mary too would reminisce of times before his ministry began; when it was just her, Joseph and Jesus and of the things they shared as a family. Missing them and grieving would very much be a part of her days – it is a normal human connection that is severed. Yet it remains in a supernatural way – in the spiritual realm because Mary knew Jesus was a part of her and in her immaculate heart he would remain.

Mary had to be strong – she had to accept the Father’s will for his son and for her own walk to the cross. My dad was a protector and provider – who if not him would love his wife they way he did? How would she survive? He worried about all us kids even though we were all grown and had our own families. His surrender came likely from Mary. He loved to pray the rosary and we would pray it together when no one else was around. He was always devoted to the church and loved his faith. He planted seeds in all of us and did his part to help us find and keep the faith.

Mary did this too with the Disciples – helping them to understand what surrendering to God’s will looked like. They would face great trials too, but her steadfastness would help them to persevere.

Mary’s fiat goes beyond the time she walked this earth – it has continued to be available to us as we walk our daily journey to the cross – offering up our sorrows, trials, limitation and weaknesses. She, the mother of sorrow, is there for us each and every day – hour- minute to call upon for help, strength and fortitude to do what the Father calls us to – and sometimes that is to lean into the pain and lift high our crosses.

It wasn’t easy for me to hold my dad and tell him to go. I knew, however, this was not his home, that heaven was and Jesus was calling him to it. I miss him terribly and wish I could bring time back to know him better. But I also know if I continue to lift my cross and walk in the way of the Lord, I will see him again. Mary will help me honor him by recalling the memories we shared. She will remind me to keep my eyes on heaven and that she will always show me the way.

Photos by: Carl Bloch, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Christ_at_the_Cross_-_Cristo_en_la_Cruz.jpg
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Walking with Mary to the Cross Series-9

9 – Mary is given to John as his mother by Jesus Mary, my mother

Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene.  When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,” and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

What a profound moment in both Mary and John’s life to hear their dying son and savior utter these last words. He could see them both standing there – witnessing to the world that this was of major importance. He knew his mother’s heart was united to his…. yet the distance was felt – he being totally unable to do anything for himself and she unable to comfort him much like when she held him as a newborn baby. Now she wanted to hold him again; but she could not. Mary had to wait until life left him and only then could she mourn and hold the worn, lifeless body. John drew close at the last supper, leaning into his beloved Jesus; seeking for that greater knowledge of what he was saying and would happen next. He had his own mother still alive – so what Jesus was stating would be written for all… it could be no other way.

My own mother was given to live a time of suffering and sacrifice. At 80 years old, she began the long walk of 14 years battling Alzheimers. I know so many grown children are having to deal with their parents and this disease, yet it is where great grace and gift are found. It wasn’t an accident Jesus gave Mary to John. She was now a widow. She would need help – but then again – so would all who believed Christ was the messiah yet now was gone from their eyes. When my dad couldn’t take care of my mom by himself, they both moved in with us. She was active but very confused and made our household a difficult place. Dad would get upset with her frequent questions over and over again. My husband, diagnosed with another form of Dementia at the same time – was jealous of my time with her and impatient with her antics of walking off the property or doing things that she shouldn’t. I had to watch her all the time. Dad fell ill with cancer and died within eight months of moving in. What would I now do – with two of them – how would I pick who to minister more towards or create a space of safety where they both felt loved and served?

I ponder as to if Jesus, in giving John to Mary, gives Mary to us – to all his disciples – as well. How often do we call upon our holy Mother in the Hail Mary prayer? So many times in their illnesses I would say Mary, help me, Mary, call on your son for me, I can’t do this. She would know from John – who being the only disciple to be at the cross – how hard it would be for all his followers. She needed to receive John, and all mankind, in her new role of Mother – our spiritual Mother, as we unite ourselves to our heavenly Father in the resurrection of Jesus. It is a profound thought that this “new Eve” – the one who would set the Fiat right in her self sacrifice, maturity, faith and great suffering would be our spiritual mother. There was no glory at the cross, nothing to shout Amen about – it was sorrowful and sad to see her son in this condition – yet she knew he was the God-man and she his mother, both with roles set out by the Father to redeem the world. Her role would now intensify for the whole world – for all time – and her fiat would not change – even as a widow and the mother of a God-man son who died; now she is called to be something even more …. participating in the great victory he won … and she knew this as she recalls her words to Elizabeth found in Luke 1:49:

“My soul glorifies the Lord
     and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
 for he has been mindful
    of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
     for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
    holy is his name.
His mercy extends to those who fear him,
    from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
    he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
    but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
    but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel,
    remembering to be merciful
to Abraham and his descendants forever,
    just as he promised our ancestors.”

All of her Magnificat would be to help us in our journeys to heaven … to understand the messages Jesus gave – the healings administered – the justice and mercy due. My mom grew harder to keep track of along with my husband so I had to bring her to a local nursing home to live. She hated it at first and I did my best to be there as often as I could. We would take drives and go for walks and she would tell me stories of long ago. After several years she would grow more silent, sleep more and yet she always looked for my coming to visit. She would beg me not to leave. We changed roles as daughter and mother and it was a time of great tenderness to see her faith not leave her but suffering be accepted. On her last days she was afraid but we held hands and just looked at each other. At the end she was quiet; gone into conversation with Jesus and Mary I think- yet I held her and repeated it was going to be alright, over and over, trying tried to console myself as much as her. With her eyes closed, I would pray the rosary. A few times they would open and she would blink at me. I know Mary was there, to take her to heaven, to Jesus and my dad. I have great peace in knowing I did what I could for her and Mary was the mentor of my calmness through it all.

Mary most sorrowful, most tender,

mother of meekness,
docility and obedience;

Mary most holy, defend us,

protect us, pray for us.

Esther Marie Moloney.

May 26, 1924 – March 27, 2019

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Photos: Public Domain. File: Crucifixion VanDyckLouvre.jpg. Created: 1 January 1622
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Walking with Mary to the Cross Series-8

8 – Mary walking with Jesus to Calvary Mary, model of strength

The Stations of the Cross are the most often thought of the “walk with Mary” to the Cross. Every Lent we gather together in the church to remember the passion and crucifixion of our Lord – and that Mary is present with her son. Much has been said about Mary’s walk – the sorrow in watching Jesus fall three times – the women he encounters – the help he gets. In this post I want to speak with you about Mary’s motherhood – the intense pain she must have felt being the mother of the one who is to be crucified – innocent and humiliated – surrendering to the will of the Father to be killed on a cross for our sakes and, of my own pain in motherhood.

You’ve had a miscarriage” they told me at the hospital. How could that be, I wondered. I didn’t know I was pregnant – I was just late in my cycle, I thought. But here I was, a married woman of three months, and it could be. “We’ll have to take you into surgery to be sure that all the parts are removed.” Parts? What kind of parts could he be talking about? Everyone knew that it was only cells and tissues – I couldn’t have been more than 6 weeks along. Dread came over me as they wheeled me down the hall to my room and then helped me into the bed. My bleeding had subsided somewhat but I was still so uncomfortable and afraid. I was pregnant? I lost this child? Where are you God, I asked. Where are you? Have you abandoned me again?

After the flogging they gave Jesus the coat of purple and the crowning of thorns. They put a reed in his hands and called him the King of the Jews. They pulled him out into the crowd and forced the heavy beams of a cross upon his back. His back – torn into a thousand pieces from the flogging would rip open and bleed more. What agonizing pain he must have felt. Close by Mary would have stood watching her son being terrorized. She could not run over and push them off of him – although I am sure she wanted to and perhaps John had to hold her back. Seeing him in this state she would hardly be able to breath.

I think of so many mothers I know who lost their children – in pregnancy – at birth – in their young childhood years and even as adults. How could God have allowed this tragedy? A child? They are innocent! They didn’t do anything wrong and were just starting out in life. How do we bear the pain? We would rather give our life for theirs. But God allows it. Love knows no limits and neither does suffering. We are given only the choice to say not my will, but yours be done. Mary again – Mary our model of strength points us to the will of the Father – the will her son took up when he said Am I not to drink the cup that the Father has given me?

Was it not necessary that the Messiah should suffer these things and enter into His glory? Luke writes this for us – that we too must suffer with our own crosses. He remembered when Jesus said “Whoever does not carry his own cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.” It was clear he meant for us to know that crosses will come into our life – in the midst of happiness or in daily trials. How we react to them will either glorify the Father or leave us with hardened hearts. Mary went out into the street to comfort Jesus in his walk and their eyes met. That deep look into each other’s souls was united in love only because they both knew God had a greater plan and it would carry them past this moment in time. Still, Mary would have wanted it to stop. Greater pain yet had to come before he could be released from this world – from his humanity and enter fully into divinity once again. He would look at his mother and his eyes would say “I am not abandoning you…. I will be with you always.” How could she believe this? She only had to look at what she had already been told. God never left her. He provided. She didn’t always understand, but she knew how to surrender to his will.

Have you abandoned me again? I asked. Yes, I did feel God abandoned me a second time. You see, the first time I was pregnant, I knew it. I was way late in my cycle. I went to a clinic and they confirmed it. I was 17, in high school and not married, and the father did not want anything to do with me. It is only cells and tissues they told me. Just a blob right now, so get it done and get on with your life. No one will need to know. But God knew. Mary and all the saints in heaven would know. I would know. But if what she said was true – then there was no harm, right? That was the evil one whispering loud in my ears. I could only hear him. I turned away from the God who was supposed to save me. I walked away from him. I had an abortion and until that next pregnancy, pushed it far back into my mind and chose to forget it. Then came that day in the hospital, and the Doctor tells me there are parts. No longer do I believe about the cells and tissue, but realize a real live child was within my womb and I allowed her death. O Jesus. O Mary. Punish me forever and a day for I cannot stand what I have done to you, to her, to all of us. But I cannot take back time. I cannot undo what was done.

At the wedding in Cana, did Mary wish she did not ask for the first miracle? Did she wish she could take back her request to Jesus to begin his ministry? Yet something would have come if not this to start her son’s walk towards the passion. It was just a matter of time – she would know that it could start anywhere and would get worse – she would come to suffer more and want it to end. But her obedience to the Father to love this son, to unite herself to every thing he felt – knowing deep within her the extreme suffering – had to happen. How many things do we wish we could take back – a word, action or thought, before that person we loved passed away? How do we live with never being able to take back or state what we were too afraid to say or do at that last moment?

Perhaps God allows this suffering – like that of my innocent child – for our salvation. So sad to say this but her life given for mine? Could I have come back to him with such a strength of love that I have without the allowance of what occurred? Why? Why such a tragedy? If I had only known, I would have chose differently. But in truth, I feel more strongly that if I had trusted – chosen God to figure this out instead of relying on myself – if I had shared with my parents or siblings or friends – it could have been different. God allowed me this cross – a cross for life – and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my child – my children – Mary Elizabeth and Stephen – who are my advocates in heaven. Thy will be done Lord. Mary’s heart would break for me on the day of their deaths. But she would hold them – as she does with all our children who leave earth before their parents. She would bring them into her mantle and tell them all the good about us. Mary would cry with us both for the loss and grief we would feel. She would then take up the cross of righteousness to show the children her son’s mercy to forgive and pray for us. And prayer is what finally reunited us through a Rachel’s vineyard retreat where I found the healing power of Jesus’ mercy and love. Even for a wretched sinner like me. Because no sin is greater than his mercy.

That’s the walk of the way of the cross – life’s battles in which some we win by the power of God and some we lose to the great influencer. But we know in the long run that victory has been won. Good Friday does come before Easter Sunday – and it has to be in that order. His plan will always be greater than ours – if we surrender to his will. Just look to Mary who is our model of strength, sorrow and see her cross. She’ll help you carry yours too.

If you know someone hurting from a past abortion, help them find healing through a Rachel’s vineyard retreat. They are located across the country and the world and can be found here: www.rachelsvineyard.org

Photo credit: Public Domain. File:5 Andrea di Bartolo. Way to Calvary. c. 1400, Thissen-Bornhemisza coll. Madrid.jpg

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Walking with Mary to the Cross Series-7

7 – Mary at Scourging of her SonMother of holiness and sorrow

“What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called the Messiah?” Pilate asked. They all answered, “Crucify him!” “Why? What crime has he committed?” asked Pilate. But they shouted all the louder, “Crucify him!”

When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. “I am innocent of this man’s blood,” he said. “It is your responsibility!” All the people answered, “His blood is on us and on our children!” Then he released Barabbas to them. But he had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified. Then the governor’s soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him.  Matthew 27:22-26

Today’s post marks the beginning of our Lord’s walk to the cross. Unfamiliar territory for both Mary and Jesus, they will come upon great sorrow for what is unleashed from the minds of men who do not know their creator. No longer do they remember his ride into Jerusalem on a donkey… the loud cheers and waving palm branches had been changed to insults, spit and unnecessary blows.

I never meant for my weaknesses and sinfulness to effect anyone. Truly, I was surprised when my “new venture” in network marketing failed so miserably. I started blogging in 2013 because I was into healthy eating and exercise. I wanted others to enjoy the fruits of what I found through good eating and an exercise plan. But then came the snag by this marketing guru… and they had a better plan. Thinking they knew more than I did; that aligning myself with them would set me up with wealth, health and a great following – which is what I wanted so that I could fix everyone in my family who had money issues, I was swept up into it. Napoleon Hill here I came. (N.H. is the author of “Think and grow rich.”)

What could our holy mother have felt seeing such force and brutality projected upon her son? How could people change so quickly from love to hate? For me the answer is the great influencer; satan himself, making the suggestions to turn inward and accuse those who question our every step, thought or action. Our concupiscence and weakness follows and sin becomes front and center. We cast the first stone, throw the dagger, pierce the heart of Christ. And Mary looks on, knowing her son is innocent but given this sentence by the Father to bear all these wounds.

Unfamiliar territory myself, I was led into a tangled web of confusion and lies plus some truth. I understood I needed to be trained and that cost money. Instead of making money now from ads on my blogs, I was paying the firm to post, to attend endless webinars, classes and trainings where they would go on and on about how they did it. I just needed one more session, tool, or person to follow me. Thousands of dollars into it, hours and hours of time in front of the computer and notebooks full of information, I was no longer free to post about health and exercise. Now I needed someone to do what I had done so that I could recoup what I lost. Positive thinking was the guru’s answer. Always stay positive, upbeat and show them how in it all you are a happy, healthy person. There could be no cross.

I can’t imagine every sin in the world, much less their effect. The flogging would come after such extreme humility to not speak out to Pilate and tell him the truth about the Pharisees; about the great setup that occurred during the night. Mary was not in the garden with Jesus as our sins came upon him and he sweat blood. Yet the closeness of their walk to the cross would give her the inclination – a deep sense of grief – that something was occurring to cause her son such great sorrow that her own heart was splitting. These were the people she had rejoiced with in healings, the breaking of bread and in learning of the Father’s great mercy and desire to draw his chosen people to himself. How could they change so much? The greed in their hearts to make themselves a god; to reign over another and to yield their power took over their softened hearts. The influencer only had to show them how this man made them feel uncomfortable; made them think they would have to change and in doing so it could be painful. And he would say into your ear, you don’t want pain, but gain. You don’t want a cross.

I had not made a dime yet – the money I hoped to make to pay off my brothers debt was not materializing and now I was in debt too. The greed in my own heart with thoughts of how I was going to be the savior for others was losing way to hopelessness. Over the course of many months I became friends with several people and had side conversations with them as to how they were doing and what their expectations were with the firm. I found Christians who believed that God had set them there to be able to fund their missions and had great faith. Others believed it was the universe we needed to reach out to and then all would be well. It was only when I presented a plan to give my testimony through several blog posts and tried it out on a friend that it all came crashing down. She told me how the higher power had to be the universe and if we would all just think hard and focus on the same thing it would come true. My beliefs in Christ and his healing power were nonsense to her and I was throwing away everything unless I gave it up and came to know the real truth.

Mary might have been close to the Praetorium when the scourging occurred. She might have heard the blows on Jesus’ back. She might have cleaned up the blood once he was taken away. Regardless as to what she experienced, she knew he was bearing the weight of something very heavy and yet could not be taken away. Once more, Simeon’s prophesy came to life – a sword will pierce your heart – he will be the rise and fall of many. The camps were split – those who turned on him and those who cried all night long. She could not turn back time, undo what was set in motion at the wedding at Cana. She had to walk with him in this great trial – surrendering once more to the pain and anguish of knowing what her son would bear for mankind. No one, especially a mother like our Blessed Mother, born without sin but great in compassion and meekness; simple and kind; mild and most often without the comfort of understanding, yet accepting. She knew the truth – this was the Son of God and if this was asked of him he had to walk to the cross. She also knew he would not be alone – that she would walk with him.

It was a shock to me that my friend had this belief. I then realized how far off course I had gotten. This work with the firm became my own god – a desire to put my so called abilities and reliance on self in front of my faith in Christ. I, I, I was what I heard in my ears. Yet Christ died for me – he silently gave his life for me to be offered to his Father. When I looked back over that past year of marketing in this way I saw how much time I took from family; money I spent we didn’t have and loss of of time with Christ. I often tried to package it in a holy way but it was pretty clearly not holy, but greedy and self serving. It was a great lesson in humility and a loss too – had I spent the money helping my brother instead of trusting in a stranger to help me make thousands, God would have been there in a better way.

I couldn’t have flogged myself more when I realized how much I hurt those around me – and God – with this diversion from my original goal. But that is the work of the influencer. He took something small – and good – and twisted it in my thinking. The firm was morally incorrect yet had the appearance of goodness to be found. The Lord allowed me to pick up this cross of humility and surrender to my self reliance – to turn to a greater trusting in him. I immediately broke all ties and opted out of everything. I spent the next year working for a real firm using the skills but none of the self-promoting, get another in the game so we can take from him situation. Christ allowed Pilate to have him flogged and led to the cross for our sake. He showed us the way – that it isn’t the easy way – the positive thinking way – but often the very hard way of self surrender and trust that God’s way – planned out before we were born – is the only way. Mary knew this when she gave her fiat. May we all find our fiat daily and offer it for all mankind to wake up – to think and grow in the grace of God for who we are and what we can do for him with the aid of his holy and blessed Mother – who will never abandon us but help us to unite our crosses to her son’s cross.

Image by Public Domain
File:The Flagellation of Christ-Caravaggio (1607).jpg
Second image: Authors

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